i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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