It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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