Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
