and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
