girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
