made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
