you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
