Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize