How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
