there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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