I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
