Pappa wants mamma naked
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
