worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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