The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Acid is not a monday night drug
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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