your parents love me but you hate me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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