You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
if i can run in heels then i can drive
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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