make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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