May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
