im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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