After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
