dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
