my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
