This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
