Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
