Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
