Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
