I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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