He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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