OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
