I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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