Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
