Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
