Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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