dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
