Tell her she can't have a vagina
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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