I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found puke in my bra..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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