I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
