I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize