I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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