u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
