You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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