I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
