found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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