sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
