we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
