So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
