70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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