my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
