i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
