my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
