i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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