i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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