$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
