When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just want nice things and good sex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
