I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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