The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
